Dating in Nairobi is an active crime scene, heck; I will even go ahead and say the whole of Kenya. See as a kawaida guy I have of course tripped and fallen into the Tinder trap. You have probably seen those guys who pose with German machines and stacks of cash, promising that your money will run further than prime Catherine Ndereba at the Boston Marathon. Their allure is all on aesthetic, but there are places they get it wrong like the dressing. With a keen eye you can probably spot someone who has a tab at the local kibanda that hasn’t been cleared in three months. It is normally suits that look borrowed from fellow struggling insurance sales men who work in Upperhill, shoes that last saw their glory days during 2005 funkies in high school. They always have a distinct pose where the money is held up to their ears like they are making a phone call – yeah they are probably calling you an idiot for believing in them.
This one time, on a warm Thursday June evening, the stresses of wearing the corporate tag wearing heavy on my neck and it happens that I receive a call from this babe who is a friend. She sounded excited – she has always wanted to visit one of those exotic islands where it’s taboo to wear anything heavier than a gram of paper. She has a strong background in accounting, she is one of those ladies that see numbers in everything and if she could she would probably find a way to get a tax deductible from the kiosk or the mama mboga in her neighborhood but here she was chiming excitedly about this new opportunity she has come across. Let’s call her Brenda. So I ask Brenda what this opportunity is because I trust her acumen when it comes to money. She says she has been introduced to this new thing where you learn how to trade every evening and the classes are online via zoom and after that you can start making your own money to the tune of $10,000 per month.
Now, figures don’t really hook me. I usually ask why, because if cynicism and skepticism had a baby then I am their inglorious bastard. She went on and on about the class and how much she would be able to make and in between my sarcastic comments she was adamant that I would be singing a different tune when I was in the middle seat of the plane – because someone that questions such ventures does not deserve the window seat. Brenda went on and on about how she has been learning about forex and things she was calling signals and put stops and other terms that honestly are thrown around by people who want you to think they are professionals in their field. Still not sold I asked her one damning question – if she paid for this course. Your guess is as good as mine. But she was so optimistic that I did not burst her bubble. A few months later I called her to ask her when I should get my passport ready and ended up blocked. Maybe she just doesn’t like broke writers.
But this scenario looks a lot like the online dating scene in Nairobi. You have to approach everyone with the apprehension you would a boda guy at midnight outside Habanos until you see them order smokies or eggs then you know how to find them if need be. There’s just something about those late night snacks that have Kenyans in a chokehold. Now when it comes to online dating, I have my fair share of experiences and I have narrowed it down to a few things I think every guy should know so you do not end up with the false promise of a trip to an island, a German machine or the last boda ride of your life. As a disclaimer this is purely a guy guide but the girlies are welcome to steal tips because we do not discriminate here – we are cool like that.
So what should you look out for?
- The bio has poor grammar.
Personally, bad grammar is worse than biscuit chapattis and I am not even a fan of chapattis. The first things you should look out for are sentences that start with “Am” instead of “I’m”. These are the easiest to pick up on. Someone who clearly does not know how to refer to themselves is not someone who should be looking for a relationship, they should be out there looking for a tuition teacher or using their mother tongue (yes this is actually better than trying to sound educated). The other thing is when you find that their bio is peppered with shortened words like prime 2010 Facebook. Why would you be using “wen” instead of “when”? or “u” instead of “you”? What’s the rush? Such a profile raises the red flag that you will probably be dealing with someone that will have you pulling at the hairs in your nose out of frustration. This writer recommends that you avoid such profiles and keep it moving.
- The bio says they are willing to relocate
Do not be naïve to believe that this means moving from Githunguri to Ruaraka. This is a subtle hint that you should clearly avoid that profile if you are still under the insane rule of the silhouette muse. This is someone on the hunt for a visa and or a green card. So unless you are working at one of these multi internationals and have residency abroad and are willing to add a dependant to your portfolio then by all means go ahead. You know when they say dust is constant? Prove that theory for us then let us know probably the dust in Helsinki is different from the one in Nairobi. But from this writer’s perspective, avoid at all costs. Because let’s face it, anyone willing to drop their life at the whim of meeting on dating site will not have an issue doing the same when it comes to dropping you. So stay guided fellow gents.
- Their bio emphasizes one of their hobbies is travelling.
Before the stones start come flying, please hear me out. This is not necessarily a red flag, travel is universal and a common thing to love and enjoy. But here, it takes a lot of intuition otherwise you well end up being the camera guy for her Instagram content. However, the plus side to this if you are genuinely into travel you can weed out the freeloaders, with simple leading questions about their travel quests. Ask about destinations they liked and why, a true travelling enthusiast will have your phone unlock a new feature where it can iron your shirt for the next day at work. If the replies are njahi then just know you are their next flight ticket to a new place that they saw on an influencers Instagram page and cannot name the capital city of the country if you asked them. Writer’s advice is to approach with caution.
- They want a man who is financially stable.
Now this is quite the grey area because even guys want their guy friends to be financially stable. Even ladies will agree, they will not reveal their financial status publicly and on a dating site? This is a red flag. But even for the financially stable this is a trigger word because no one wants to look like they are just there to sign the cheques. Dating sites while they insist on openness some conversations should happen behind the scenes. Besides, if you do step up to the plate just know your usefulness is pegged to your bank account balance and once that tap runs dry like it sometimes does then you will be eating mud cake made from your tears and the dust all by yourself.
- I want to be spoiled/This is my soft girl era
Just like number 4 bro run. You’ll forever be the faceless and clueless guy that is creating content for her social media. Yes, the argument will be that they stated exactly what they wanted and there is nothing wrong with that. But as a guy the last thing you want is to be the CFO of her bucket list. But if it works for you go ahead. This writer would not recommend.
- Her pictures are suggestive
Let’s be honest here, sexy can be classy. No one needs to see you try hard to squat, raise a leg or turn your head around so we can see the nyash. There’s nothing much to say here but at the end of the day if the body is the only thing that is shown emphasis on their profile even without knowing it they are hawking themselves.
- One word wonder
Up to this moment these are the ones I detest the most. You might have been blind to the first 6 pointers and gotten to the stage where both of you are a match but the conversation tastes like the ashes of a cockroach that could not escape the oven fast enough. There is no effort to keep the conversation flowing and you end up feeling like a journalist trying to get an answer from a politician that recently shook hands and joined the government. Don’t try being a radio presenter – those guys talk to themselves for a living – calling it quits and moving on while you still have your dignity.
- I have no pics here because…
These are worse than those with suggestive pics. I know they are trying to achieve an air of mystery or maybe communicate that looks don’t matter and want you to like them for their intellect. Do not fall for it. Would you buy a car you’ve seen advertised and the guy said “trust me bro”? That is the same thing. A dating site should be what you see is what you get kind of experience. Also at the end of the day you might what happens if the connection is so strong then you find out you were playing for the wrong team?
- If they have their number plastered on the bio
Bro, this does not even need too much explaining. That is clearly a CTA for interested buyers. So if you are not one just move on.
- She’s on Tinder
Now this is hypocritical because it goes both ways. But I just had to put it there since I was running out of things to list. See guys, at least I am honest. So if you come across my profile on Tinder just know it was just for research purposes hehe
Anyway guys I am not always cynical so I will also do one on the green flags.