I know what you are thinking; here we go again – yet another boring story about a guy and his dumb luck with relationships. You are probably right, and you are waiting to read about his escapades and the failed dates, the broken hearts and the crazy people that came into his life. You probably are expecting stories of nights spent alone in bed, pulling the covers closer to him so he can breathe in some warmth to wave off the cold. How he has now become immune to heartbreak and his nonchalance could rival the stare of day old omena he serves for breakfast because how much lower could he sink?
But, this is just not about any other guy and this is not just about any other relationship. Have you ever been on a blind date? If you have then you know the anticipation that comes with it. As a guy you are probably thinking does she look anything like her pictures? If she does what could be wrong with her? Why is she up for a blind date? Does she buy PK and swallow it like pain meds? Does she purposefully wear her underwear inside out and carries that secret with her ash she goes through the day and laughs to herself quietly because no one would really no? There has to be something wrong even if you try to convince yourself there isn’t. But you still go because it does not hurt to try. You put on what you think are some of your best clothes, maybe dab a bit of perfume here – apparently they like it when you smell good, and for good measure you for one last time check them out and say a silent prayer that this is not just another waste of your time and hoping that if you drag God into this maybe this time it will be different.
The date goes well. If you’re brave enough you might have even proposed at that exact moment. She was everything you ever wanted and you secretly hope you were too. You never ask though. A guy never asks such questions. It sounds lazy and needy – something that would kill that spark before it even became a tiny flame. Finally here come the subsequent dates and endless talking stages that seem to be leading somewhere. You are excited, every time the phone rings or vibrates or whatever it is phones do to get attention like needy cats you jump up hoping it is her. Then like most of these stages go something happens, you don’t know what it is but the conversations get fewer, the dates non-existent and you all slip into an abyss of being strangers in the dark who would pass each other on a busy street without a glance or a facial flinch to show familiarity.
Yeah, this is what the job market currently looks like and here’s looking for a job feels as tedious if not more than dating.
1. It starts online
It does not matter how you look at it but if you are looking for a job you are definitely online more than clothes at a pipeline flat on a Wednesday morning. It starts with the Tinder for jobs, LinkedIn, and just like the actual Tinder you realize that nothing materializes out of that space. Yes, you have had success stories and seen flourishing relationships but those are more the exception than the rule. Same applies to LinkedIn. You will be told to spruce up your profile, write something interesting, fill in your work experience then start networking with people. You will apply for jobs and only get confirmation emails at best. Then someone will come along and tell you to switch tactic and find these people that are hiring, interact with them by liking their posts and contributing to discussions they are in. It feels like stalking but isn’t that’s how every beautiful love story begins? Anyway sometimes it works sometimes it doesn’t and for you it clearly did not.
2. You meet a lot of married people
If you have been in the dating pool for a while they is a saying and it’s that “soko ni chafu”. As a guy I am not sure if I have met many married ladies but I am definitely sure I have met those that are already in relationships and are either planning to leave or just looking for excitement. I will never understand what excitement they are looking for when they can just as well put on a honey mask and walk past a beehive. Now that would be exciting. Actually, not, that would be dangerous. But that is probably what they are looking for and sky diving is a bit cliché. The same happens when you are looking for a job if you think about it. Those that are single (unemployed) have a hard time finding a partner (jobs) but when you look at those guys in their slacks, shirts and sometimes ties who stroll into offices every day only to come back in the evening and complain about their partner endlessly – those guys easily find new partners. I do not know if it is the law of attraction or something stupid like that which some person at Alchemist might chew your ear off for hours on end if you let them but these guys are always finding new jobs. They will leave their old ones without thinking twice and say the found someone who treats them better.
3. It’s not you it’s me
This line has ended more relationships around the world than mosquitoes have caused deaths. One day you are just moving on with your day like every other day and then suddenly you get a text and it goes along the lines of “we need to talk” and suddenly it feels like there is a cloud hanging over your head. You wonder if maybe they found out about your secret stash of old newspaper clips that you save whenever you go buy meat from the butchery. You are quite sure you hid it well and they do not even smell that bad so you can blame any random smell on the neighbour’s cat and say it usually sneaks in to pee on your couch since it doesn’t like you. Looking for jobs is sort of the same. You get into an interview and everything seems to be going so well. You made them laugh probably with a bad joke here and there, you brought out your charm and smile which is rarely seen and you even pictured a future together. Then one day you get that unfortunate email: we all know what that email is and how it begins so I will not bring back past trauma. But the moment you start reading it you just know that you are being let off easy. You would rather they just go for the jugular at that point but instead it feels like those stories of women from a certain tribe who put in steel wool filings in your food just so you can die slowly. It hurts and you try to move on but deep down you keep asking yourself was it really them and you avoid the answer because you know it was definitely you.
4. You do not look like your pictures
I mentioned blind dates when you started reading this. This is one of the fears of blind dating especially if you have only been interacting online. The one thing technology has not been able to crack yet is how to create real time filters. Oh wait, that’s make up no? But all the same; sometimes you are under or over whelmed because this could go both ways. In most instances though it is underwhelming, what you saw is not what you are getting. This is what happens to most guys looking for jobs. You walk into the reception area and everything is looking nice and dandy – you even say hi to the lady at the front desk and ask her for her name just in case you might need to remember it on your third day working there and you do not know where the stapler is. Then comes the big reveal – you finally meet the person you were supposed to and the conversation kind of goes south. It is sort of a let-down and even though you are desperate you decide it is not worth the hustle. This is actually a true story I had to do this once because wearing desperation on your sleeve is like following flies and expecting honey. The place I went to had a really swanky office, the conversation went well and it looked like finally “natoka soko”. Then the most bizarre thing happened – the last question was if I would be okay to pray and run morning devotions once a month because people took turns and it was compulsory. If you know me then you would know I do not compromise on religion and spiritual beliefs so that was a hard pass. Could I have faked it? Hell yeah. For good measure I would even throw in South African twitter lingo and say I was speaking in tongues you know? But I did work for a “Christian” organization once and I definitely knew for a fact that was not for me. I dislike religious people just as much as I do people who play TikTok on loudspeaker in public spaces.
5. This is not what I signed up for
In all relationships there is always the desperate one. The one that will visit hell with a glass of water if they think it would help put out the fire. But this can only go for so long until they get weary and wonder why they are the only ones making compromises in that relationship. In the job market this happens a lot and I see a lot of the noise on social media putting the blame especially on Gen Z recruits. But I raise a glass to them because they have cracked that relationships (jobs) do not have to be forced. They do not have to bend over backwards to show their loyalty. They would rather be back in the dating pool than buckle in with the hopes that things will get better. This, if we are being real never, does. I had to save this for last because just in like dating sometimes you do get into a relationship thinking it will work out and it does not same as the job market. There are those jobs you get and you look at your JD (job description for those who are thinking about Jack Daniels) and what is put on your table and you realize it is not worth it. If you are desperate enough you can stick it out but it will never get better. As a matter of fact at the back of their minds they will wonder how much further they can push you before you break.
So yeah this writer here is having dumb luck with relationships and is single and searching.