There are two kinds of house guests. The planners and the show-uppers. The planners are meticulous. They will take approximately 2 academic years planning on a date to visit you. They will make sure that on the said day their stars are aligned and their horoscope is somewhere on a planet’s path. They will research the probability of weather on the set date, plan their outfit weeks in advance, email you a list of their allergies, and preferred foods and offer to bring their own poison to take the stress off you. By the time they visit, which they will announce in nothing short of 7 business days to the day, you are already looking forward to them leaving. But this article is not about those guests.
The show uppers just show up. These ones will just ring you at odd hours of a Saturday afternoon, announce they are in the hood and that they are popping in. The phone line will go dead as they are not waiting for an affirmative. They were not asking for permission, kwani what are they? Primary school kids that need to go to the loo in the middle of a math class? No, they just made their intentions clear. It is up to you to scramble around throwing clutter under the bed, on the bed, in the closet, and dumping Friday’s dishes in the sink knowing very well you will blame it on the cleaning lady. After all, sometimes they do not show up so they can take one for the team.
I like show-uppers. They take overthinking off the checklist. But you might find yourself in a pickle especially if there is nothing to grease the tongue and ease conversation while you all mull over boring DJ mixes or highlights to a football match that is yet to start. This is where this article comes in handy. As a man, you should always have some drinks in the house, exclusively not for you but for guests who pop in unannounced. So let’s get started:
Gin is the estate girl that’s been around the hood. People claim to detest even hate her and her guts and no one would willingly admit that they hit that. But secretly you all know who’s been there and did that. I do not know if it is a false sense of self-respect but over the years and especially in 2023, Gin has built a bad rap sheet for itself. It has been associated with all manner of ratchetry, your favorite Instagram baddie would be jealous. The thing though, it is a reliable social lubricant. Whether you choose to go cheap or break the bank with craft bottles. Having one in the house will definitely have it filled with laughter and hollering in a few minutes. The secret about Gin though is no one really hates it. It is palatable whether it’s dry, with tonic, bathed in ice, or drowned in juice.
This writer has nothing against Vodka but I feel like it is the drink specifically distilled for psychopaths. There is just something about Vodka that leaves an aftertaste that might have been the bitter words of a scorned woman from the lake region. But for those who pay no mind to scorched taste buds and being a social misfit, go ahead and stock at least a bottle or two. Two because one should be flavored. That might be your only hope in the attempt to save your reputation. Now, the thing is if someone says they hate vodka, that hate is real. This is no facade put up to look classy. On the plus side, are they at your house or theirs? It is a take-it-or-leave-it scenario. You offered, didn’t you?
This will always be the glue that holds many social and sometimes official connections together. As a matter of fact, I think that “Let’s grab a beer” should be snuck somewhere into the national anthem. It represents to some extent our culture of brotherhood. Having a six-pack in your fridge won’t hurt. You can just have it there as social security for when a show-upper decides to invade your personal space in crocs, shorts, and a football jersey. Besides, one after a long day tends to take the edge off if you do not live with an in-house nagging machine. To be safe, you can store a lager and a dark beer. As for Pilsner, well, do people still drink Pilsner?
I know about me but I do not know about you or the kind of show-uppers that make impromptu visits at yours. Well, if they are a bit high-nosed and the air around them parts when they glide through then you definitely know you have to keep a bottle of red or white. Remember chaps, it is a bottle not a box. Why would you keep a box anyway? It is not bibo or ribena. Leave the boxed wine for parties where no one knows what the heck they want to drink and will gobble down anything as long as there is an alcohol percentage next to it.
There is something about asking your guest “Fancy some whisky” that sounds Don Draperish. It feels as if you have hit the upper echelon of the social strata. So having a fine bottle of whisky safely stored away – because whisky especially fine whisky is not for gobbling down haphazardly. As a matter of fact you should never have fine whisky to get drunk. It is like placing your car keys on top of a table at a gathering. You do not expect the table to drive but you want everyone to see that your car has Nazi origins. To totally sell this, get a decanter and a silver tray. I mean if you are going to go all out why not? But always remember to cut them off after they are four fingers in, that would be the best time. Change the topic and suggest a quick run to the supermarket and grab something different.
Personally, I would never. But, some show-uppers depending on your circle are deeply invested in the laundry businesses and those businesses where the sun does not shine. Well, they and their ilk have this unending love for cognac/brandy. So if this sounds like your circle it would be wise to keep a bottle or two for them. Though chances are, this crowd will definitely pull up with their own so they would only be replenishing your stock. When they show up, just relieve them of their goods, hide one and bring out the rest. Oh, make sure you have oval-shaped glasses and ice cubes in plenty. The only thing they will ever chase in this life is money.
Yes, this is quite obvious. Always have water around. Because at the end of the day no matter your taste the goal is to drink responsibly.
So what will you be stocking this year?